Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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