I can tuck mytits in my pants
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
