Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
