I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
