You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
