You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
