Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
