My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She needs sedatives and a leash
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
