Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
