My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
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Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
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I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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