I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
