it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
