I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
