I puked a lego.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
