it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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