how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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