I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
