I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he wants to bone in the snuggie
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My Sexting was not on an AP level
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
