i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
