and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
