Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
