I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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