Pants 0. Shit 1.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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