all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
