i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
