Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You did what with his pubic hair?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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