just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
