Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
