You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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