I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
