I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
