I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
