I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The Olympian is in my bed
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