I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
