i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
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The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
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Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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