i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
