Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
