you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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