I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
