So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
