I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
