Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
