He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
