Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
