Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
