Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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