Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
