forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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