Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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