Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My vagina is very pro this idea
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
