The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
