hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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