My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
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Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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