Your mouth is God's brothel.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
