Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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