Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
